The Club

Nobody has given me any sort of feedback on what they want their bios to be, so I’ve made up my own.

Kyle, before any day of sustained polo, loads up on energy drinks, high quality performance enhancing drugs and some Amish penny candy to make sure he’s ready to be blindingly fast. One of our earliest players (in fact, I’d be comfortable in calling him Mr. Lancaster Polo if it didn’t sound like a poorly constructed stripper name), Kyle often acts as mentor and coach to new players, constructing polo mallets like it’s something you learn at Julliard. He’s also developed his own lexicon of polo speak including such hits as: Maintain Maintenance, Put a bird on it, Triangulate!, In the pocket fold, and my personal favorite: You Turkeynecks.

 

Before his meteoric rise in the polo ranks, Lumberjack (Hbach) could be seen taking on hordes of beaver and elk to pave the way for lesser men in the wild country of Lancaster county. Somewhere between as-old-as-God and legend, Lumberjack can chop down trees with just his facial hair, can make a woman blush with his axe abilities and constructs wood cabins for his kinfolk nearly every twenty minutes (pictured). Born in the late 1900’s (as in, December of 1900), Lumberjack is a very thoughtful, three-plays-ahead player who you can count on no matter the situation. It’s the kind of foresight that comes after watching all the dinosaurs waste away. (The roller disco shirt says HUSTLER, in case you were wondering. He’s a lumberjack, and he’s ok).

Lancaster City Bike Polo Ted has been this cool since his upbringing. I mean, he’s wearing Sunglasses and it’s not even that bright out (I’m writing this at 10 pm, and I’m pretty sure he’s still wearing sunglasses, because he’s that cool). Just look at how focused this guy is – he’s no doubt planning how to swoop into the play and score, while figuring out what to make for dinner tonight and the proper way of developing manned travel to Jupiter. Just look at him. Right there.

 

 

 

Lancaster City Hardcourt Bike Polo

Troy is Irish, and that’s kind of as much as you need to know. He’s got a wicked hard swing and (when he gets it lined up) a dead accurate shot on goal. He’s not afraid to play the violent game, either. Just a pro-tip here: if you see him making a face like this, just let him on through, kay?

 

Bart (Middle Management/Taco) Has been playing since December of 2010 and has made a name for himself in making sure everyone is hydrated and buying like, 10 effing feet of UHMW that we’re still playing with.

Bart is a solid play-disruptor who isn’t scare to get his hands dirty in order to eliminate the opponent’s play. As you can see from the picture, when he’s not playing polo he enjoys wearing lady’s underthings and poking out women’s eyes. To each their own, I say.

 

Trace is the first guy I ever hurt on the polo court, and I’ve felt horrible about myself ever since. He’s literally the nicest guy I’ve met in Lancaster, but don’t let that fool you. Deep down he really has an element of absolute slaughter. Very nice, but slaughtertastic. He’d pretty much be the guy who kills the bad dudes in the movie and gets the girl at the end, you know what I mean? Sort of Bruce Willis, but with hair and much less swearing.

 

 

Darby is our local organic farmer and off season polo player. When he isn’t giving out his bounty of delicious foodstuffs, he’s silently waiting to surprise you on the court. The thing about Darby is that he’s turned into a really outstanding player pretty quickly – he oftentimes is a brick wall in goal and has achieved hat-trick status more than once. Dude is a sleeper star, and I’m kinda thankful he has a farm to occupy his time so that I can keep some of my self esteem.

 

 

 

Yeager is a beast. And helpful. He’s like a polar bear who wants to carry your groceries or a mercenary holding a bunch of lost kittens in his hands.

He’s also outstanding in goal, fast on the court and impervious to becoming tired. I hear tell he killed himself a bear during a mountain bike race and still managed to come in a week ahead of anyone else. That’s right: he finished the race before it even started. You picking up what I’m laying down?

 

Horse is the guy who got me into polo, and for that I’m forever in his debt. As a player, he’s got some amazing mallet control and shooting. Not to mention bike control. Dude is literally more comfortable on a bike than he is walking around like humans do. But don’t tell him I wrote any of that, cause the man has an ego the size of California.

 

Crusher is the writer/editor/harlot of this blog, and as such he doesn’t have to be witty or clever in this write up. I’ve been playing since late September of twenty aught ten, and in that time I’ve learned that I’m better at defense than offense, I write a blog people enjoy, and that people will recognize my desire to cause pain and name me appropriately (ok, so it’s because I had a handlebar moustache, bugger off). I also feel like I deserve to grow the beard I have, now, and that’s what polo is all about, right?

 

 

 

Zach has always been impressive to me because of how easily he make stealing the ball seem. He’s a quiet spoken man, but he’s a hum dinger when he puts his mind towards taking that ball from you.

Zach’s very good at taking his time, too. Some dudes will just shoot all over the place, but Zach won’t just shoot at the first opportunity he sees. Nope – he’s patient. He can wait. You’ll see.

 

Andy has just returned to polo after some medical stuff (read: his face fell off and was replaced by tentacles), but we’re happy to have him back in full swing. Any is very good at communicating, bringing treats, and holding players up after a crash. Outside of that, he’s a pretty handy guy, and is directly responsible for the lighting system we use during the fall/winter, which pretty much puts him at the top of my list of awesome.

 

 

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Sabrina is one of our newest players and is also our first female player to show up more than once. I attribute this to her ability, from day one, to shit talk every single one of us into crying.

When she isn’t laughing at us, Sabrina works on her shooting (which is getting rather good, really) and tries not to get caught with her foot down. But we all notice. 

We all notice, Sabrina.

 

Blake is our ‘Serious Racer Strava Powertap’ polo player. He doesn’t give a damn about your lady problems. He’s sexy and he knows it. He’s amazing in how much punishment he can take/lay out and still be smiling. Since his first day playing we knew he’d become something to be thoughtful of when on court. He’s also fast and always brings beer. Can’t ask for much more than that in a guy.

 

 

 

Lancaster Bike Polo (43)

Gene is the kind of…dangerous. He comes of as the sort who would do anything for his friends (and I’m pretty sure he would), but would also do anything to his enemies (which I’m sure he has). When he isn’t knocking people off their bikes with shoulder shrugs like cannon fire, he likes cuddling pugs and singing. I’m not joking about either of those.

 

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9 comments

  1. irishvelo says:

    perfect

  2. Uncle Fester says:

    I have to say, Trace and Hbach are particularly well written (and shockingly accurate). Well done.

  3. TraceO says:

    and you wrote that on your typewriter? Amazing. Truly beyond the pale.

  4. Zach says:

    Where is my bio???

  5. Brain says:

    Matt, this is an awesome site! Thanks for the little shout out! Its been a lot of fun playing and getting to know you clowns!

  6. cool photos….i love the beer sling..hahaha

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