It’s strangely appropriate for Halloween here in Central PA: there is a fog covering the land, it’s kind of clammy outside (like the skin of the recently deaaaaaddddd), and everyone around me is walking around like a zombie. It’s the kind of day where, if I saw Frankenstein’s monster shambling around outside, I wouldn’t be entirely surprised.
With that, my mind wondered over to all of the monsters and ghouls that will be out tonight getting candy from strangers and possibly/probably murdering children and eating their brains: what creature would have an advantage in bike polo, and which would be the king of the newbs?
Pros: He could take over the minds of other players and make them do his bidding. He also has the fringe benefit of getting drunk after the beer has run out simply by finding the player who looks the most inebriated. Plus he’s probably been practicing for like, 100 years or something.
Cons: No tourney play, high likelihood of biting his own lips when he crashes.
Werewolf: Natural athletes, I say. You may already think you have a werewolf playing in your club, as a good amount of bike polo players already sport full-body hair sweaters and growl instead of speak.
Pros: I imagine that werewolves would be super effective at keeping their endurance up, plus they are great ways to intimidate the other team before the match even starts.
Cons: Hair getting caught in the chain, licking themselves in between matches. Well, okay, that generally happens in polo now, I guess.
Mummy: (aka Lumberjack), Hailing from ancient Egypt, the Mummy has all the padding any player could possibly ask for, plus he doesn’t have internal organs, so he’s not carrying too much weight onto the court.
Pros: Lightweight, cool accent, muscles have become rock hard.
Cons: If another player finds the end of the wrapping, he’s pretty much screwed.
Witch: I think witches would make excellent bike polo players. They are already used to riding brooms, they drink some pretty janky stuff to start with, and they strike me as the most likely to be able to shit talk better than any other monster on the list.
Pros: If they get tired of pedaling, they can just go airborne. They can also poison other people’s PBRs or just turn them into a toad. Plus they have that cackle, which will surely make you miss your shot.
Cons: It’s hard to see the ball if it gets under the mole on their nose, the hat doesn’t fit under the helmet, and it’s hard to squeeze the brake lever with 6 inch long fingernails.
Zombie: Once the living dead stop eating folks and start focusing in on entertaining themselves, I think they’ll find a good home within our game. Unkempt hair, torn clothing, a blank, open-mouthed stare–yeah, pretty much the majority of our players.
Pros: Not to terribly worried about bodily injury, relentless pursuers of other players, may have actually been polo players before they came back as flesh eaters.
Cons: Well, I mean–not to be crude about it, but I think they would lose body parts pretty quickly. One good check into the boards and there goes their arm/leg, right? Plus they’d smell so bad that nobody’d team up with them. That’s a lonely, lonely zombie.
Pros: Dude is built to cause pain. All that muscle and blind rage on the court can only equal one thing and one thing alone–an enforcer. Plus he could totally use his spare parts to fix up his bike on the fly.
Cons: Not a conversationalist, takes up too much room in the carride to a tourney, seems like a snorer. Also likely to punch holes into the surface of your court.