Tag Archive for tournaments

We NEED a Polo Tourney Vuvuzela


Last year’s [Nick N. just informed me that the world cup is held every 4 years, like the Olympics or the NYC Waffle racing tournament. SPORTS! ] World Cup held plenty of sports people doing sports, but nothing was quite so memorable as the Vuvuzela: something that apparently had a different name than what my mother referred to it when my father bought me one at a football game in my youth (she then called it the divorce maker, and it worked wonderfully well).

What occurs to me now–as I struggle to come up with an article topic–is that bike polo really doesn’t have some fun noise maker for our tourneys. Some bike races have cow bells, football has those air-filled sexual aids that people bang together as ineffectively as their own stare-down at those damned kids who won’t leave the pool table alone in the bar, but bike polo has what? Somebody with a broken mallet slamming it against the boards? Shouting? I saw a  guy (Perry, of course) who brought a baseball bat to watch the final games–that was pretty effective at making noise against the boards…

But none of these can really be called a sport’s noisemaker. They are all happenstance items. They are MacGyver’d things.

I propose that we take something that we’re already familiar with–the mallet and board noise making premise–and revolutionize it.

I present to you, the Polozullalalala:

2014-06-10 11.03.21-2

It’s simple to construct: one small piece of board, a wrapped handle made of pole or wood, and the top end of a mallet (with mallet head attached) on a simple hinge to allow for the paddling movement to create a banging noise, reminiscent of that annoying-as-piss drunk guy who just keeps doing it next to the goal even though nothing is happening at all.

While still in early development (and still awaiting NAH approval), I believe this will easily become the next big-item in bike polo. Yes, I’m waiting for Fixcraft to contact me about buying the idea.



“I Was Playing” is the Dumbest Excuse to be Rude.


I get it.

No, really, I do.

I’ve had anger management issues ever since I was a young one, once throwing a chair at my sister because she wouldn’t change the radio station from New Kids on the Block to a classic rock station. I was that kid, I had issues.

But I kinda worked through those problems (mostly), and now I promise you that I’ll not throw a chair at someone for listening to pop when I want to listen to something else. That’s called progress. That’s called growing up.

But for some reason we have a weird little culture of mindless barbarianism when playing bike polo that doesn’t quite jive with that whole “sportsmanship” thing we’re trying to go for. Point in fact, I witnessed it quite often this past weekend, and it got me to creating justifications for it. Maybe those folks are really hyped up on adrenaline, or maybe they saw some great injustice and are just super vocal about it.

But no matter the reasons I came up with, the final, lingering though was simply: that person is just being rude, and they should learn to control themselves.

yellrefI don’t know how or why it became permissible to straight up forget that you’re a human being on the court (or, more importantly, that the people around you are also human beings), but it’s happened more often than not. Players will violate the first rule of bike polo and then act like it’s nothing after the game or, more commonly, they’ll yell fire and brimstone down on a volunteer ref (read: all refs in the sport) and then think that they’ll be kosher afterwards.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: you are not that important, the game isn’t that important, and really the only thing that is important is how you treat people. Especially people who consider you part of their little, fun group.

Now, this isn’t to say that it all has to be yes sirs and no mams all over the court. It’s an aggressive sport and tempers will certainly run high at times. But if you can’t control your frustration (brought on by any single thing while on the court), maybe you’re the problem, and not the call/play/other player.

hockey angerThis also isn’t to say that you shouldn’t argue with the ref at all–I think part of the joy of any sport is watching that interaction. But in the end, when you put your tires on the court to play you’re agreeing to abide by the decisions of the ref, so don’t make too much of a show of it. You can disagree and use colorful language, probably, (as it comes with the job), but when you start going after the character of the person or constantly bringing up the same call you disagreed with 5 minutes ago, then you’re the one who should take a hard look at how you’re messing up the sport. Maybe slap yourself in the face, even.

So the next time someone says you’re being a jerk and your gut reaction is to dismiss it as natural in-game activity, take a minute to really think about how you’re carrying yourself. Are you actually seeking clarity on a call or explanation, or are you just letting your emotions run away with you?

Headin’ To The Tourney: What To Bring…


Heading to a bike polo tourney is some tricky business, tell you what.

You don’t know what you should bring, how to look hipster-cool but not get too many wrinkles in your Toms. Man, it’s frustrating.

To help you along, I’ve developed this tried and (not at all) true method to pack up the right stuff for your big adventure. I break it down into three categories based on your style. Enjoy!

The Minimalist

  • minimalistMallet
  • Helmet
  • Bike
  • Trash Bag (to sleep under)
  • 2 cans of white potatoes
  • can opener

The Journalist

  • camerasCamera
  • Camera Charger
  • 4 SD cards (32 gig each)
  • Microphone
  • Voice recorder
  • Press badge
  • changes of clothing to blend in after you’ve pissed off someone with your interview question
  • (nothing else  – you won’t actually have time to play)

The Hardcore

  • over prepared6 mallets (each based off of weather conditions) 
  • 2 helmets
  • Extra gloves
  • Extra tires
  • Extra bike frame
  • Extra bike
  • Extra bike mechanic from your home town
  • Don’t forget your protech V8 mallet in case the sky looks like it might rain frogs
  • Lucky unwashed jersey

The Newbie

  • new1 loaner mallet with (what your teammates assure you is) a powercurve
  • 1 glove for the brake hand
  • bike with 2 different brands of tires
  • huge, nervous smile

The Local

  • localMallet
  • Bike
  • Helmet
  • You can just pedal back to get whatever you want
  • Plans to show up an hour late



I hope this helps! See you guys there!

Our ESPIs Teams. Strengths/Weaknesses

As ESPIs approaches I find it harder and harder to come up with decent topics to discuss. While I have alot of exciting things coming down the line (NS Glove review, Creamy mallet review, 3 interviews once I get around to actually sending out the bloody questions), I don’t have anything on my mind right now except for the glory that is ESPIs.


 So, in marveling in Lancaster United’s ability to get 3 teams out to the tourney, I also began to think about what each team’s strengths and weakenesses are. Here are my findings:

OFA (Old, Fat, & Angry)

Players: Lumberjack, Horse, Karl

Strengths: Lightning quick pedalling, ball control, 3 of the best players in our club

Weakness: Since there are no trees near the court, Lumberjack is likely to loose his source of power from them, bringing the team down to 2.

Most likely to: lose a game due to missing a court time after leaving the tourney to find a taco truck.

No Seriously, Let’s Wait Until The Last Minute

Players: Zach, Yeager, Gene-o

Strengths: Shooting, a goal troll, and raw trucker intimidation

Weaknesses: The police look down on assault, public drunkeness, and zach will probably take his shirt off at one point or another.;

Most likely to: get disqualified when Yeager decides to sleep in the goal in-between games (and then refuses to get out when a game is slated to start).


Players: Irish, Ted, Crusher

Strengths: Communication, defense, and an Irishman’s rage

Weaknesses: We have access to alcohol but do not have access to self restraint.

Most likely to: heckle the shit out of every team, and then offer them beer at camp as a way of apology.