1. The UltraCompetitor
When they wake up, it’s with a mallet in their hand. When they eat breakfast, it’s a bowl of NAH balls and a side of HDPE. When they pee, it sounds like the whistle from a ref (they are going to a doctor for that).
The UltraCompetitor is the person who was destined to make it to North Americans, and they aren’t at all ashamed to have that very statement tattooed across their chest. If you see one of these guys or gals, just avert your eyes and don’t offer them a PBR. THE WILL THROW YOUR PBR TO THE MOON AND TELL YOU THEY DON’T DRINK AT A TOURNEY.
2. The Savant
The savant is someone who can’t remember where they left their bike, their bag, or their pants, but they get on the court and are just able to move like they were born to play. They can’t explain the rules, exactly, or how they made it to North Americans, but they’re happy to be there and happy to school your entire team while having a little smile the whole time.
3. The First Timer
I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’m at NAs I’M AT NAS I’M AT NAS OH MY GOD!
4. The Officials
No, they don’t have time to answer your sideline question about a certain rule. No, they didn’t see Vaughan knock a bird out of the sky with a ball. No, they don’t have time to join you for lunch. The Officials can be identified by the hawkeyed way they will be staring at every single player’s bike for legality, the way they are mumbling under their breath, and how quickly they can move a whistle from their neck to their mouths.
It’s best to just let them do their thing, and if one of them asks you for something, hop to.
5. The Vulgate
Local players, girlfriends and boyfriends, club-mates and generally interested parties. These will be the people you have to mill through to get to your court on time. They are easy to identify, as they’ll be the ones that smell like sunblock, beer, and be quick to harass anyone who presents themselves as a target. Also, you’ll soon become one of them if you aren’t part of the other four groups I mentioned.