We all know at least one: the jerk at the tourney. The guy who is just good enough that you can’t seem to “teach him a lesson” like you did to that one kid in 2nd grade kickball (right in the nutzzzz), but is also amazingly skilled at raising your cackles and blood pressure. They guy who gives you that little poopy smirk after checking you into the boards or making you tangle yourself up in your own bike.
You can either beat him or join him, and I’m all for giving you the guided tour on how to become the jerk-at-polo. Or, the Jerkalow.
1. Don’t ever say your sorry: pity is for the week. The other guy should have seen your mallet coming towards his face. That’s what face cages are for, anyway.
2. The lion doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep: oh, the ref is telling you that you’re being too aggressive? Who cares, he’s not the boss of you, and neither is anyone else.
3. That “grey” area of polo is there to exploit: It could have been a wheel dick, but it might also be incidental. You may have just hacked, but nobody really saw it other than the guy who is staring at you like you’ve got two heads. Yeah, as long as you can get away with it, you’re fine. It’s the other player’s fault for creating the opportunity, right? They were asking for it.
4. Don’t let go of the last game: THAT DUDE TOTALLY HIT YOUR STEERING ARM ON PURPOSE AND YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE HE SAID “HEY, SORRY” AND “I DIDN’T MEAN TO HIT YOUR STEERING ARM” WHAT A JERKHEAD. Hate him for the rest of the tourney. Hell, hate him for the rest of his life.
5. You made a bad pass? WRONG: they made a bad reception: you don’t do anything wrong. You don’t do anything wrong. You don’t do anything wrong. Make sure you yell at them so they know you don’t do anything wrong.
6. Don’t tap mallets at the end of a game: remember how bad ass you felt when you walked away after baseball without lining up to shake hands? Remember how all the other fifth graders would talk about it the next day? Yeah, it still works. Those fifth graders will think you’re the baddest mother around.
Just work on those and you’re sure to be the jerkiest jerk at your next jerkfest. I’m sure you’ll find a team no problem.