Archive for Other than Polo

When you might not play polo

When you might not play polo on the day specifically set aside, each week, for polo:


BBC Eggheads Wants YOU (or us, but not really)


Hey all,

Well – Horse just got this interesting email:


I’m writing to you from 12 Yard Productions, a TV Production company who produce the BBC2 hit quiz show, Eggheads.
I wanted to get in contact as we are now working on our 15th series(!) and thought it would be absolutely fantastic to get a team of bicycle polo players on the show! It’s a lot of fun to film the show and it would be great to get the word out about this very cool sport!
If you haven’t seen the show check us out on BBC iPlayer but it is essentially a team of 5 of you (this could be teammates, colleagues, friends, family, anything you like) who take on the quizzing brains of our Eggheads. 
I have attached a link below to our contestant page where you can download an application form – if you’re interested and then you can just send this form back to me as soon as possible as we are holding Nationwide auditions over the next few weeks.
I have also attached a flyer with information about how to apply and would be really grateful if you could distribute this amongst people that may be interested in applying for the show… friends, family, anybody!
Thanks so much!
It’s apparent that the good people over at Eggheads think that we are based in Lancaster, UK, not Lancaster, PA. While it is a damned shame that I can’t rise to meteoric glory via this quiz show, I did want to mention the email as it seems as though they’re open for anyone applying – LOOKING AT YOU LONDON BIKE POLO!!!

Taking a little sick-leave



I’m taking a little sick leave from the blog today (and yesterday, I’m sure you noticed). I just can’t drum up the energy to avoid work and provide you with something to read. A thousand apologies.

Really, I figure you’re all busy watching clips from Nationals, right?


PS: I keep referring to North Americans as “nationals.” I dont know why, but to answer your question about how I feel about this mistake:

look at all

Happy Birthday, Troy!

troy 3

Just a quick little note to say happy birthday to 1/3rd of team Scrimmage. Troy is a stalwart polo player, a reliable friend, and he married a lass who makes some of the best pickled food I’ve eaten in my entire life, so that’s a  perk.

Anyway, Troy, a happy birthday to you. And in the tradition, an Irish birthday toast:

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer-and another one!

Final Heart Update, and Thanks


Autonomic dysfunction (or Dysautonomia). That’s what the good doctors at Lancaster Heart Group have found my problem to be. The way it was explained to me was this: some people, when they are facing something like a bear or a rock star, faint. Other people get all fighty (in the case of the bear) or start screaming like a madman (in the case of the rock star, or maybe they get fighty, too, in the case of Justin Beiberwitz).

My body is saying to my heart: someone is always trying to fight you. Always. Be ready.

And so my heart tenses itself up, my blood vessels constrict, and my heart rate climbs. I’m always ready for a bare-knuckle fight–problem being that I’m generally staring at a computer or watching my stories on the Lifetime Network.

The good news is that this dysfunction generally works itself out around 32 or 33 years of age, so chances are pretty good that I’ll be able to stop taking the beta blockers by then. For now it’s just a reduced dose for the foreseeable future. That’s fine by me.

Before I close out this post, I just wanted to thank everyone who’s checked in on me. I’m both surprised and humbled by how many folks have contacted me through email, facebook, and text message to ask how I’m doing and to send a little kindness my way. You’re the best, and it’s one of the reasons why I do what I do on this little site.

Anyway, see you bastards on the court.

I continue my exile…


The ol’ ticker keeps on ticking, which is good. I can’t express to you how inconsequential my absence from bike polo is, in every way, as I am not dead and my club really doesn’t depend on me to bring the baked goods nor the power plays to the pickup games. However, all things being relative, it is pretty weak-tastic for me.

Yesterday Lancaster United had it’s regular Sunday pickup day in the sweltering almost-but-not-quite July heat. I stopped over to stretch my legs and I got all sweaty just standing there. Fortunately it started raining a bit, so I used that as an excuse to get away from the body odors. On the drive back to the fortress of solitude  house, I realized that I was being a remarkable doofus.

Wilson the Volleyball from the back with ChuckJust because I can’t play the sport doesn’t mean I can’t practice parts of the sport. I am pretty miserable at scoop passes: why am I not practicing that? I can work on my balancing or my off-side ball handling. Hell, I could just post my self in my basement and work on passing the ball to myself from under the BB. I don’t need to just mope around, holding my mallet and swinging it into the vast expanse of horror and boredom. I could be getting my skills up!

So here’s to the Crusher clinical I’ll be setting up in and around my home. When I come back you bastards better watch’choselves.


Watching pickup sucks


I went to polo on Sunday expecting to at least get a post out of it. Maybe something to do with the value of watching your club play and learning a little about the observation of the game.

Instead, I got all sorts of sweaty, my heart started getting tired, and I realized watching pickup is just about as boring as polo can get. It’s like watching people eat food. You can appreciate the act, but not taking part is kinda boring and borders on disgusting.

So I left early (after building a mallet up for Magpie, which was kinda nice to do, really), and I wandered back to the polo war room to enjoy the much-to-small-for-the-space air conditioning.

Eventually I zonked out for a half hour or so. That was fun, I guess.  I woke up and watched a few minutes of the South Central Regional Qualifiers until I realized it made my heart race, and then I felt compelled to turn it off.

Anyway – I figure my posts will become more strategic or philosophical until they work out what the hell is going on with my ticker. But for right now I’m just coming to terms with watching my polo bike pick up my mallet and run to the door.

…no, girl. No we aren’t going out to crush today.

I can tell you that it was humid as hell today at pickup, and that nobody was terribly pleased by that. We had a light drizzle which felt amazing, and…uh…some pistachios to eat…?

I’m going to go play with my Tagamagrams. Good day.




Things to do when you can’t play bike polo.

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This week I have the distinct pleasure (read: I am sleeping like a stone and spending every waking hour at home playing minecraft) with my little nephew, Ben. While he is a treat to have around, he also makes it very hard to do much of anything else outside of PLAYINGFREAKINGMINECRAFT EVERY.WAKING.HOUR. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t have anything to post yesterday. It would have all been about creepers playing our sport and how to craft the perfect mallet using diamonds and two sticks of wood.

But I digress – since I and the lady have the little guy running around, I’ve missed polo on Sunday and am going to miss it again today. I’m not really upset about it (after all, it gives everyone else a chance to not smell me  work on their own goal tending), but it did lead me to miss the game quite a bit. I found myself searching for ways to be involved in the polo mindset without actually playing polo.

I came up with quite a few things, actually, and I provide them here to help out any wayward poloista who finds him or herself away from the game:

1. Watch Bike Polo Videos: Mr. Do has plenty out there, not to mention all of the ones you can find on Vimeo and Youtube. You can almost smell the PBR and viewing can have the outside chance of making you learn a few new moves.

2. Check your equipment: (place genital joke here). How often have you checked your mallet/helmet/gloves/etc. to make sure they aren’t just a hair away from failure? Being stuck away from the courts provides a great opportunity to check out your equipment and make any repairs/replacements before you look like a goon on the court.

3. Read some bike polo blogs: In particular, 321 Polo!, GOALHOLE, Top Shelf, or any of the dozens of club/city-specific blogs out in the world. They’ll help you see what’s going on in the polo world & take up plenty of time.

note: Yeah, I know that last one seems self serving, but I’m serious. Most polo blogs (this one excluded) are run by people who love the sport and know what they are talking about. Lots to learn from them, and a good way to get excited about the game even when you’re not courtside). 

4. Make prank calls to players during pickup time: They’re at the courts and you’re not. Is your refrigerator running?

5. Figure out what you want to practice next pickup day OR practice at home: So your dog has the poops and you can’t leave it alone for more than 15 minutes – a likely situation for you, especially considering that you gave your poor pug a bag full of marshmallows and tuna fish. How about you break out your mallet and work on your ball control? Or just work on staying on your bike while making slow, awkward turns? Just cause you can’t be at polo doesn’t mean you can’t work on your skills, Holmes.

What Fresh Hell Is This?

question mark

“Bike polo experiences” sounds like some sort of romance novel that hasn’t been written yet – but it turns out a company called Kirrawee Events is offering just that: A paid experience in bike polo. The website offers “bike polo events across London and the south east” for the low low price of 75 pounds (for one person) or 330 pounds (for a group). Hell, for 1,200 pounds you can get bike polo brought to you!

They also offer the following pieces of equipment for your purchasing pleasure:

bike polo gear london

Curious about why the hell anyone would pay to play for the first time (or second, or third, of fourth), I took a look at the about page:

Where what when and why?

Kirrawee Events have been entertaining groups of people since 1999, via our sister site

 In 2012 we launched  to bring you a fast, exciting, new experience that is less dependent on the weather.

 Bike polo as we know it today is a very new game, although a game of sorts was first played in 1891 becoming an Olympic demonstration sport in 1908 

​We play in several spaces in and around the small coastal town of Lydd, our team also offer matches across the south east and London

While this is more or less just goofy as hell to me, it must be pretty frustrating to the London bike polo scene – I can imagine they don’t want to be misrepresented nor push a away prospective players due to the idea that it takes 75 pounds to start.

Anyone out there know what the hell is going on?

A game suggestion: Heckle Olympics


…and maybe this already exists, but my brain started putting things together when I saw this comment from Mr. Lomax of Chicago:


Heckle Olympics: the side-game of bike polo tourneys

I’ve noticed at my limited experience with bike polo tourneys that there are times when  watching alone isn’t quite enjoyable or there is someone who is so good at heckling they steal the show from the actual game being played. Let’s honor and rewards the gift of gab with a sport that goes hand-in-hand with polo, shall we?

Yes, I know this is ridiculous. Just let me have this, okay? 

The rules:

  • Anyone can play, of course, who isn’t involved in the playing of a bike polo game (mostly – I’ll get around to that caveat)
  • The heckle can’t be overtly mean spirited, but should have some teeth
  • Points are awarded through player response and crowd response

olympicsHow to win points: 

  • 1 point is awarded each time a heckle results in at least one person besides the heckler laughing
  • 2 points are awarded each time the heckler is able to make a portion of the nearby crowd laugh
  • 3 points are awarded if a heckler is able to bring back an earlier heckle and make it funnier the 2nd time around
  • 5 points are awarded if the player that the heckler is heckling responds positively (smiles, laughs, etc.)
  • 10 points are awarded if the player that the heckler is heckling responds negatively (shakes head, stares at heckler with death eyes, throws mallet, curses, etc.)


  • If the player being heckled is able to heckle the heckler in such a way that is deemed better/funner than the heckler’s original taunt, that heckler looses all points in the current game
  • If the heckler, during the entire course of the polo match, is unable to even get a single point, they gain -5 points which follow them into each and every subsequent heckle olympics game on that given day
  • Furthermore, if the heckler re-uses the same heckle that another heckler used previously that day, they are ejected from the current heckle Olympics game and can only rejoin for points when the next polo match begins