Archive for Other than Polo

Things to do when you can’t play bike polo.

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This week I have the distinct pleasure (read: I am sleeping like a stone and spending every waking hour at home playing minecraft) with my little nephew, Ben. While he is a treat to have around, he also makes it very hard to do much of anything else outside of PLAYINGFREAKINGMINECRAFT EVERY.WAKING.HOUR. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t have anything to post yesterday. It would have all been about creepers playing our sport and how to craft the perfect mallet using diamonds and two sticks of wood.

But I digress – since I and the lady have the little guy running around, I’ve missed polo on Sunday and am going to miss it again today. I’m not really upset about it (after all, it gives everyone else a chance to not smell me  work on their own goal tending), but it did lead me to miss the game quite a bit. I found myself searching for ways to be involved in the polo mindset without actually playing polo.

I came up with quite a few things, actually, and I provide them here to help out any wayward poloista who finds him or herself away from the game:

1. Watch Bike Polo Videos: Mr. Do has plenty out there, not to mention all of the ones you can find on Vimeo and Youtube. You can almost smell the PBR and viewing can have the outside chance of making you learn a few new moves.

2. Check your equipment: (place genital joke here). How often have you checked your mallet/helmet/gloves/etc. to make sure they aren’t just a hair away from failure? Being stuck away from the courts provides a great opportunity to check out your equipment and make any repairs/replacements before you look like a goon on the court.

3. Read some bike polo blogs: In particular, 321 Polo!, GOALHOLE, Top Shelf, or any of the dozens of club/city-specific blogs out in the world. They’ll help you see what’s going on in the polo world & take up plenty of time.

note: Yeah, I know that last one seems self serving, but I’m serious. Most polo blogs (this one excluded) are run by people who love the sport and know what they are talking about. Lots to learn from them, and a good way to get excited about the game even when you’re not courtside). 

4. Make prank calls to players during pickup time: They’re at the courts and you’re not. Is your refrigerator running?

5. Figure out what you want to practice next pickup day OR practice at home: So your dog has the poops and you can’t leave it alone for more than 15 minutes – a likely situation for you, especially considering that you gave your poor pug a bag full of marshmallows and tuna fish. How about you break out your mallet and work on your ball control? Or just work on staying on your bike while making slow, awkward turns? Just cause you can’t be at polo doesn’t mean you can’t work on your skills, Holmes.

What Fresh Hell Is This?

question mark

“Bike polo experiences” sounds like some sort of romance novel that hasn’t been written yet – but it turns out a company called Kirrawee Events is offering just that: A paid experience in bike polo. The website offers “bike polo events across London and the south east” for the low low price of 75 pounds (for one person) or 330 pounds (for a group). Hell, for 1,200 pounds you can get bike polo brought to you!

They also offer the following pieces of equipment for your purchasing pleasure:

bike polo gear london

Curious about why the hell anyone would pay to play for the first time (or second, or third, of fourth), I took a look at the about page:

Where what when and why?

Kirrawee Events have been entertaining groups of people since 1999, via our sister site landyachting.co.uk

 In 2012 we launched bikepolo.co.uk  to bring you a fast, exciting, new experience that is less dependent on the weather.

 Bike polo as we know it today is a very new game, although a game of sorts was first played in 1891 becoming an Olympic demonstration sport in 1908 

​We play in several spaces in and around the small coastal town of Lydd, our team also offer matches across the south east and London

While this is more or less just goofy as hell to me, it must be pretty frustrating to the London bike polo scene – I can imagine they don’t want to be misrepresented nor push a away prospective players due to the idea that it takes 75 pounds to start.

Anyone out there know what the hell is going on?

A game suggestion: Heckle Olympics

hecklers

…and maybe this already exists, but my brain started putting things together when I saw this comment from Mr. Lomax of Chicago:

heckle

Heckle Olympics: the side-game of bike polo tourneys

I’ve noticed at my limited experience with bike polo tourneys that there are times when  watching alone isn’t quite enjoyable or there is someone who is so good at heckling they steal the show from the actual game being played. Let’s honor and rewards the gift of gab with a sport that goes hand-in-hand with polo, shall we?

Yes, I know this is ridiculous. Just let me have this, okay? 

The rules:

  • Anyone can play, of course, who isn’t involved in the playing of a bike polo game (mostly – I’ll get around to that caveat)
  • The heckle can’t be overtly mean spirited, but should have some teeth
  • Points are awarded through player response and crowd response

olympicsHow to win points: 

  • 1 point is awarded each time a heckle results in at least one person besides the heckler laughing
  • 2 points are awarded each time the heckler is able to make a portion of the nearby crowd laugh
  • 3 points are awarded if a heckler is able to bring back an earlier heckle and make it funnier the 2nd time around
  • 5 points are awarded if the player that the heckler is heckling responds positively (smiles, laughs, etc.)
  • 10 points are awarded if the player that the heckler is heckling responds negatively (shakes head, stares at heckler with death eyes, throws mallet, curses, etc.)

How-ev-er:

  • If the player being heckled is able to heckle the heckler in such a way that is deemed better/funner than the heckler’s original taunt, that heckler looses all points in the current game
  • If the heckler, during the entire course of the polo match, is unable to even get a single point, they gain -5 points which follow them into each and every subsequent heckle olympics game on that given day
  • Furthermore, if the heckler re-uses the same heckle that another heckler used previously that day, they are ejected from the current heckle Olympics game and can only rejoin for points when the next polo match begins

 

Some Ideas For Memorial Day Polo

memorial day
  1. If you have veterans in your club, let them play every game until they don’t want to anymore. If you don’t, ask yourself what kind of lame people you hang  out with. 
  2. Force the newest player to cook hot dogs for you all day. If you’re a vegan/vegetarian, force the newest player to hunt quinoa for you.
  3. Every time your team makes a goal, raise a mallet in the same manner as the famous Iwo Jima picture:WW2_Iwo_Jima_flag_raising
  4. Eat as many burgers as you can as a club and then have a competition to see who can hold them in the longest while playing fast games.
  5. Roman Candles. Because of reasons.
  6. Find a Drill Sergeant willing to come out as a “new player” and have them harass a player from your club until they cry.
  7. Ask your club to bow their heads for a few moments to honor Memorial Day. Then just don’t let them stop doing it. See how long you can make that go on.
  8. Every time someone scores, require that they shout “‘MERICA, F*CK YEAH! (I don’t know how you say the asterix either) and then drink a shot of Jack Daniels.
  9. Bring roses for every empty PBR can your club creates.
  10. Put up a Christmas Tree at your court and don’t talk about it.

 

 

Q Of The Day: What The Hell Is Wrong With You?!

underfunded

We all enjoy Mr. Do Videos. He clearly loves and understand the sport, making his videos the very best you’ll find on the web for watching the sport, watching highlight reels, or just getting pumped up for a tourney (as I find this video does pretty magnificently). Mr. Do has pretty much made his name synonymous with the filming and producing of bike polo on the web. We all owe him a debt of gratitude and a debt of respect.

And only 50 of you bastards actually went ahead and threw him a bone.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up today to find myself wearing a dress. NOW imagine my surprise after I found out that the time was up for donating money to Mr. Do video with only 50 contributors taking up the call. Fifteen dollars?! You couldn’t just hold off on going out a single night to ensure the very best bike polo videos to watch in the future?! Porque?!

turtleI get it-no, really. You work hard for your money, and it’s yours to spend how ever you want to. He’s going to make videos anyway, so it’s not like you’re going to hurt at all for not helping the man out. So just sit back and enjoy those overpriced coffees, scones, and chocolate-squares-from-fair-trade-New-Guinea you bought for you and your date. Just please turn a camera on them so we can all enjoy it. I’m sure it’s just as thrilling to watch as a Mr. Do video.

 

 

 

 

Taking a Leave of Absence

sorry puppy

I have but 8 days until my final manuscript is due for my MFA, and I really need to pay attention to that rather than this in that timeframe. I humbly request a leave of absence from now until the 1st of May so that I can produce something worth a damn.

Somehow I think you guys will be OK with it.

So I’ll see you on the other side, and thanks for your understanding. And when I get the blasted thing published, you can say “hey, don’t worry about that one time you took a week off” by buying like, four copies each. That’d be stellar.

-Crusher.

wack blog

 

 

Boston Person Finder

I know the Eastside had a lot of folks up in Boston just recently. If you have someone up there now, try Google person finder to find out if they are OK:

http://google.org/personfinder/2013-boston-explosions

Congratulations, you lucky bastard.

meg and matt and pip

I wanted to feature this on a day that I typically have content, so it might be a bit early, but I wanted to take the time to congratulate Horse on his upcoming marriage to his longtime love, Meagin.

meaginAs much as I enjoy mocking him in front of others and even in private (he cries during those times, and that’s where I gain my powers), I can say without any touch of snark that he’s got a great thing going with Meg, and that I’m sure his happiness will increase ten fold when they become a married couple. Lord knows she is more than what he deserves. Oops there I go busting his chops oh well.

I first met Horse and Meg at the same time – during a first Friday in Lancaster- and  we hit it off right away. My wife and I felt like we lucked out in meeting such cool people, and decided right off the bat to move to Lancaster. Seriously. Since that point

I love the both of you cats, and I hope for all happy things in your lives.

Maybe a bit outside of the scope for this blog, but it’s important to me, so you’ll have to suffer through it, dear reader. And while your at it, send a little congratulatory note to the soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs.

Heads Up, Buttercup

Hoffman-Bancroft-the-graduate

As some of you may know (and most do not, I guess), I’m finishing up the last semester of my MFA in Creative Writing.

funny-not-today-meme-college-studentYes, while the majority of it is starshine and rainbows, making up stories and hacking down fellow writers with big words and overly explained suggestions, sometimes it actually requires some work. 

I’m kinda at that point right now: I am within the last 5k words of my 50k required count for the manuscript of stories I’m putting together, and I’ve got to focus in on that.

As such, I might not post as regularly for the next…oh…let’s say week or so. I think you guys will survive just fine-but I didn’t want you to think I was just slacking off (if it’s ever a question, assume I am).

But don’t count me out, either. There are often contributors to this blog and I might find a few minutes to step away from the next great American Short Story collection to write about grown men calling out “he’s coming on your back hard.”

 

Until then.

Eastside Thaw: Pictures and thoughts coming soon

Thaw

Just a quick post here: I’ll be going through the photos, video, and what not tonight and hope to get what I can up by tomorrow. Right now I’m too tired, achy, and lazy to do much work outside of my day job.

I hope this picture of a cute otter will satisfy you until then:

Cute Otter - 2