Good. I humbly submit that, upon reflection of the rules drafted in this year of of hot balls, 2013, there is room to grow. As such, I hereforthwithshall submit my recommendations for new rules and regulations to the governing body of North American Hardcourt.

Here are a few rules I’d like to see come about for the 2014 season:

point and stare1. At the beginning of any match, a player may call out another player by raising their mallet in the direction of that player and mouthing the phrase and you will know my vengence. The called out player accepts by running his or her hand over their opposite shoulder (as if dusting something off their shirt).

  • anything that happens between those two players during the match is legal

2. All players are required to have 17 pieces of flair.

3. Referees will be given Super Soakers filled with water and cayenne pepper. If any player on or off the court frustrates the holy responsibilities of the referee, the referee shall discipline them with a spray of cayenne pepper water to the face.

  • Laughing maniacally is required at the time of discipline by the referee

game of cones4. Any player who presents themselves as a violator of rule 1 in bike polo shall wear the cone of shame for the duration of the day’s events. This includes after parties, trips to the bar, or bathroom breaks. The cone will stay on until 11:59:59 PM

5. Anyone who’s bike is found to be below the standards set forth by the NAH must use a recumbent until such a time as the joke stops being funny

6. Whenever a player has a legitimate disagreement with the organizers of the tournament, they must present their argument in such a way that they mimic Eric from DC in every way possible.

  • If the player manages to include a stuffed animal lobster into the argument, they win the disagreement regardless of whether it’s a valid argument or not.

7. Only players from RVA are allowed to have voice amplifying devices (megaphones)

8. Wrist shots will be legal only of the player making the wrist shot groans like a tennis player while performing the action.


I’m waiting for a response, NAH. I think we all are.

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One comment

  1. Alex K says:

    Glad to know I’m well ahead of the game wrt Rule #8*.

    *This is assuming that Karate-derived “KI-YAs” and overly dramatic calls of “THIS IS THE MOMENT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!” satisfy the grunting requirement.

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