Completely Fake Interview with Lumberjack – Speaker for Trees

Lancaster Bike Polo (74)As you know, I enjoy interviewing polo players and getting their perspectives on our goofy little sport. Naturally this leads to me begging lots of people to give me an hour of their time to answer my simple, Cosmopolitan style questions.

So far, not a single person has turned me down, but that all changed last week when I innocently asked Lumberjack if I could interview him for the blog.

He said no.

When I asked him why, he made a “I just ate a whole lemon” face and shook his head. I think that means something, but I don’t speak the language of the woodland realm, so I’m not sure.

But he did give me permission to falsify the interview, so – without further ado:

Lumberjack, thank you so much for doing this interview with me – my first question: what is your current setup on your bike/equipment?

I am currently riding the Fixcraft Prototype bike with a bunch of parts that help make it move.

Could you be more specific?


Alright then. When did you start playing bike polo?

Keystone Cup 2012 (550)I played bike polo before you were born, but when I did that it was on grass and we actually had to try to pedal a bit more. Now we’re playing it on the hardcourt and it’s much easier. I started playing with Lancaster’s players a few years ago. I’ve been playing with your fools ever since.

What’s your favorite part of bike polo?

Ignoring questions like that.

What’s you’re least favorite part?

Slowing down my game so you can feel better about yourself. That and just after Horse make a goal on me. God Almighty that makes my gusset hogwallup into a possumtail.

If there was one thing you would change about the sport, what would it be?

I’d like to see the use of more organics in the sport. I understand certain things have to be made of plastic and metal, but why aren’t we utilizing more wood based products? I think an aged and treated hickory would produce the right feeling mallet for most people, as would a bamboo bike and a beaver skinned helmet. I’m not asking for radical changes, but bear fur padding is both practical and sustainable.

Bear skinned helmets?

What, you don’t own one?

Right – so who are some of your idols in bike polo?

I don’t think having idols in bike polo is a good idea. I mean, eventually they’ll disappoint you. I think a better question would be “what qualities do I admire in a bike polo player.”

Ok – how about that.

No – ask me the question like I said.

Oh – what qualities do you admire in a bike polo player?

Someone who can keep their thoughts to themselves and not feel the need to write them all over the internet.

Are you attacking me right now?

Oh, no no. I’m talking about some other ungrateful wretch who is pulling time out of my tree-chopping to interview me about what color my socks are.

I haven’t even asked you that question yet.


Where do you see yourself in five years – and where do you see the sport in that time?

IMG_1810Me in five years…well, I figure I’ll still be playing bike polo, and I see bike polo as being grateful for that.

You make most of the graphics for this blog site (I really really appreciate that, btw). 

Is that a question or a statement?

A statement. 

So how should I respond to that?

Uh – I don’t know, really. 

You really aren’t very good at this, are you?

Well, I mean. 

Ok…I think we’re done here.

Anything you’d like to add?

Get off my lawn.

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One comment

  1. Karl Berwyn says:

    Yup, that summed it up.

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