Ed, the fella behind all of the outstanding comedy reviews at (you guessed it) Comedy Reviews was up for a little challenge I posed to him: can you explain these polo terms.
The rules were simple. He couldn’t look up what the terms actually meant. Ed knows little to nothing about bike polo, so it’s with great pleasure that I present his definitions of our goofy sport.
(note: the last 2 are completely made up terms. I just wanted to see where he’d take them).
- Footdown - When you put your foot onto the ground to help you stop and perform a short 180-degree turn on a bike. This move is highly illegal, though, because it causes the back tire of the bike to leave a black skidmark on the pavement.
- Beer Point - When your team just can’t pull it together and can’t score, so you might as well quit and grab a brew. “We suck man. We’re totally at Beer Point.”
- Lomax - Derogatory nickname for mustachioed men in bike helmets
- BJ - When someone has an easy shot to score and they totally blow it
- Shuffle - Everyone has to trade bikes with someone on the opposing team for 15 minutes
- Wheeldick - Someone who sneakily lets the air out of someone else’s tires
- Blind Watson - Hitting the ball randomly and magically scoring
- Dead Board - One of the referees has become unconscious (usually due to heat exhaustion)
- Stoopid Goal - Any goal scored by the ball bouncing off of someone’s tire and landing in their own team’s goal
- Around the World - Passing the ball to everyone on your team in a taunting way before making an easy goal
- Maintain Maintenance - Just, you know guys, keep air in your tires and keep your bike chain greased. It’s common sense, really. Let’s be careful out there
- In the Oven - Slang term for a team who is really clicking together and can do no wrong. “Those guys are in the oven!”
- Rip It - Command by the coach to stick your polo mallet stick into the spokes of someone else’s tire so that player’s bike will flip over and they will go flying in the air like that one Nazi in Indiana Jones 3.
- Nice Wheel - Sarcastic phrase said to someone who has a shitty bike
- He Burped It - Someone literally says a phrase while burping and scoring at the same time. Women hate this one.
- Five Hole - A polo player with a reputation for being sexually creative and/or unresponsible
- BB - Acronym for “Bike Bandit.” Someone who steals another person’s plays and moves
- Goal Troll - Some douche who is too afraid to get into the mix and just hovers near the goal the whole game
- Taco’d - A player from one team getting his feet smashed by two opposing players on either side simultaneously
- Homogenization - The bike polo community’s outreach program to include players of all sexual orientations. Also a process done to milk.
- Bob Ross In the Gas Tank - A player who is all amped up on Red Bull and bath salts, giving them a “happy little” feeling
Don’t be too impressed that I got them all correct. I’m just good that way.
My thanks to Ed, and if you get a chance head on out to Comedy Reviews to learn a lil’ some some about what’s good and funny. And funny good.